How to be Funny about Emotionless Killing Machines

Tuesday, Ben bemoaned the state of drone-themed humor in the New York Times, and followed it up yesterday morning with a tale of national security parody gone awry. Lawfare is not above the occasionally-off-color sense of humor in this realm, but as Ben said, drone comedy should at least make you laugh. Here's some that actually will. Promise. First up, The Kroll Show’s spoof trailer Drones, a modern-day Top Gun: From The Onion, which routinely knocks it out of the park: Sweating Obama Admits Drone Strikes Have Been Happening On Their Own

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet of roughly 700 armed drones have been conducting airstrikes entirely on their own for the past several years. “Look, I’m just going to come clean here: Every single U.S. drone currently deployed has been selecting and bombing targets without any guidance from military officials on the ground,” a trembling Obama told reporters

Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S. MQ-1 Predator drone in North Waziristan. “You’d think they would have nothing in common, and yet you see them together all the time, wandering around the countryside hand in wing,” area merchant Siraj Rahmad told reporters Friday, adding that local tribesmen generally took amusement in the duo’s improbable companionship, apart from the time the boy tried to hide the drone under his shirt and sneak it into his fourth-grade classroom. “Each day, when the boy goes to school, the drone slowly hovers over his house, waiting for him to come home. It’s adorable, really.” At press time, the inseparable drone and boy had run out to a nearby field to shoot at old cans, resulting in four civilian casualties.

Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidential debate at Lynn University... “The information we have received from military personnel in the field indicate that tonight’s drone strike took out Mitt Romney, a former businessman the Obama administration has long considered a serious danger, especially in past few weeks,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, describing the operation as “an unmitigated success.” “The president personally authorized the strike earlier this evening, and as soon as we had visual confirmation that the target in the drone’s sights was, in fact, Mitt Romney, we eliminated him.”

Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan

ISLAMABAD—Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence agency restated Thursday its commitment to the fight against terrorism, pledging full cooperation with U.S. forces during the upcoming strike on an al-Qaeda safe house on June 12 at 5:23 a.m. near the small town of Razmani in the remote tribal region of North Waziristan. At a hastily convened press conference, ISI chief Lt. Gen. Ahmed Shuja Pasha called Pakistan's long- standing partnership with the United States "stronger than ever," explaining that both countries share an interest in rooting out al-Qaeda before its leaders have time to gather their secret cache of hidden weapons and move to a new location, possibly a tribal area in northwest Pakistan where Pasha said U.S. intelligence is limited in both its sophistication and reach. "Make no mistake, Pakistan stands shoulder to shoulder with our American allies in hunting down those who threaten our national security," said Pasha, circling the exact location of the safe house on a large satellite photo of the town. "And we will show no mercy in targeting them, whether it be on the battlefield or, perhaps, in a bunker where the walls are thicker and offer better protection from Predator drone attacks." "These are highly dangerous men," he continued, "who will be taken out at 5:23 a.m. I repeat: The strike begins at 5:23 a.m."

Some great Onion moments are just headlines:

• Bored Predator Drone Pumps A Few Rounds Into Mountain Goat
• Spy Drone Struggling To Assimilate Back Into Civilian Life
• Spy Drone Taken Out Of Service After Returning With Creepy Photos Of Insurgents Changing
• Unmanned Military Drone Briefly Grasps Senselessness Of War

Twitter has some hashtag gems, first with the trending #replacesongtitlewithdrone, and then the February 14th #dronevalentines. Not to be outdone, Amazon reviewers give a model predator drone three-stars because "[a]s much as this toy is fun, it completely misses the joy a child feels when he can wield his own weaponry in close-quarter combat." From a more verbose fan:

You've had a busy play day---You've wiretapped Mom's cell phone and e-mail without a warrant, you've indefinitely detained your little brother Timmy in the linen closet without trial, and you've confiscated all the Super-Soakers from the neighborhood children (after all, why does any kid---besides you, of cours---even NEED a Super-Soaker for self-defense? A regular water pistol should be enough). What do you do for an encore? That's where the US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator from Maisto comes in. Let's say that Dad has been labeled a terrorist in secret through your disposition matrix. Rather than just arrest him and go through the hassle of trying and convicting him in a court of law, and having to fool with all those terrorist-loving Constitutional protections, you can just use one of these flying death robots to assassinate him! ...Goes well with the Maisto Extraordinary Rendition playset

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart has gotten some funny shots in. Stewart quips that Obama's kill list "goes along with a marry list, and a f#@% list" composed of Osama bin Laden, model Kate Upton, and Michelle Obama: His take on the leaked DOJ white paper is almost as good: Stephen Colbert has this masterpiece, the "Two Birds with One Drone," edition of The Word: And finally, from the Commander-in-Chief himself: