Robert Mueller Speaks!

It was in the midst of Hurricane Florence that Amy Fiscus, a New York Times national security editor, tweeted:

Special Counsel Robert Mueller runs a famously tight ship. His unwillingness to leak material or talk about the investigation he leads beyond what he says in court frustrates journalists—even as it induces a certain admiration—and it has created an air of great mystery around his investigation. Yet it turns out that NPR isn’t the only news outlet publishing comments by guys named Robert Mueller. While D.C.’s most famous Mueller is notoriously silent, all over the internet, Robert Muellers are dishing on all kinds of subjects.

“Bob Mueller recalls the time early in his career when he had four job offers at the same time,” NorthJersey.com reported in a story about the retirement of the Lakeland Regional High School basketball team’s part-time coach. That Mueller has been a mentor and public servant who decided in July that it was time to step away from the game after a long and illustrious career. Apparently no longer able to handle the demands of the court, he wasn’t waiting for President Trump to remove him. Mueller is reported to have declared of 2018—ironically enough—that “it was a great year” and that he thought “it would be a great way to go out.”

The court battles won’t be the same without him.

Robert Mueller has also been talking tech—and even talking tech in the context of UAE. (Quite a coincidence considering that the special counsel is reportedly investigating certain matters involving the United Arab Emirates): “UAE is a leader in adopting innovative technology and processes, and at Qube we are proud to bring our IT as a System to this region,” a gentleman named Robert Mueller is quoted as saying by MarketScreener.

Robert Mueller is also a Hollywood lighting legend. He writes papers on biometric identity management. And Robert Mueller displays his art at the Maurine Littleton Gallery on Wisconsin Avenue in Washington, D.C.

(Robert Mueller, Lenticularity 10 Degrees, 1994)

And Robert Mueller writes poetry—because of course he does. His penchant for rhythm and verse might defy the expectations of those who think the special counsel writes only legal briefs. His most famous poem—which is to say the one available on the internet—is entitled “Le Scale,” or “The Scale.” The scales of justice? You decide:

It felled me with a twist

along the heights

amongst rancorous rocks

she was there

she was not there

what longings have I mixed

One imagines the teenage Mueller scribbling angst-ridden poetry about his unrequited crush on Lady Justice into a worn composition book.

And while many Americans are frustrated that the special counsel has not yet answered all our questions, it turns out that a fellow named Robert Muller actually is answering questions—lots of them. On the social media site Quora, which is devoted to posing and answering questions, Muller is prolific, finding time to answer the hundreds of questions that anyone on the internet wants to ask him. Muller has not weighed in on L’Affaire Russe. But he has expounded on a range of critical topics: including the most dangerous hazard when working from home (“electrocuting myself with the toaster”); the most invasive mammal in Australia (“the human”); and, critically, national security, which he says he is “undecided on the value of.” Muller also offered an uncharacteristic extrajudicial rebuke of the president’s personal conduct, saying when asked about Turkish sanctions that Donald Trump “loves to put in the heavy boots.” Muller’s Quora bio describes him as, among other things, a “loneliness coach”—which seems strangely apropos. It is isolating, after all, to have the future of the republic in your hands, and hunting witches is a loner’s task too. It is probably a good thing that all the Robert Muellers—and Robert Mullers—can turn to the anonymity of an internet chat room when they need to let off steam—and that one of their own can serve as a loneliness coach for them when needed.

Asked about the veritable cascade of commentary from Robert Muellers everywhere, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s press officer, Peter Carr, responded by email in barely over an hour: “We’ll decline to comment.”